Frank Bruni’s Father’s Day column hit me hard, because it put words to something I have felt for years: fatherhood has changed, and arguably for the better.
The Fatherhood Tradeoff I Gladly Made
Frank Bruni wrote a beautiful Father’s Day column in the New York Times that put into words something I have been thinking about for years. Bruni observed there has been “a rise over recent decades in how many minutes each day American fathers devote to child care. They head to the office later, or leave it sooner, than they once did. That’s often by choice. They say that being with their children beats being at work.” He added:
“My brothers always felt that way when their children were young and still at home. And they weren’t outliers: They saw and sensed the same inclination and priorities in the men at the desks around them and in the stands at youth soccer games. All these dads were part of an unannounced, informal movement, following a tacit rather than explicit script. They were creating new expectations and a new ethos for fatherhood.”
That resonated with me deeply.
Years ago, I made some deliberate choices about the worlds I would not pursue. Part of me truly enjoyed working in the White House and on Capitol Hill. I loved the energy, the stakes, the sense that what was happening around me mattered.
There was also the legal world. I went to law school. I could have chased the traditional “big law” path. In another life, perhaps I would have done that and measured success by billable hours, prestige, and compensation.
But I did not.
Some of that was circumstance and certainly temperament, but much of it was a deliberate decision that I did not want to live a life where my children only received what was left over.
I do not say that to denigrate fathers who made different choices. The stoicism and absenteeism of certain fathers in prior generations may have been necessary. Men did what they had to do to provide, often at great personal cost. Many loved their children deeply even if they expressed that love through sacrifice rather than presence.
But that model was not for me. I know it seems like I am traveling a lot, but I spend a whole lot of time at home and with my kids.
Looking back over Augustine’s nine years and Claire Marie’s six years, one of the great blessings of my life is that I have been there for the key moments. I saw both of them say their first words. I saw both of them take their first steps. I have taken them across oceans and continents. We have traveled the world together, not perfectly and not always easily, but together.
That matters to me more than another title would have mattered and it matters more than some theoretical salary I might have earned had I chosen a different path.
One day, when I am old, I do not want to look back with regret over what I missed. I cannot take the money with me. It is all vanity in the end. Yes, money makes this world go around….I am not naïve about that.
But money is not the ultimate measure.
What matters more is teaching your children to love God and love others and then seeing them flourish. I am building a relationship now that I hope will still be strong when they are adults and Heidi and I are the ones who needs patience, grace, and help.
I fail in ways I see clearly and in ways I probably do not see at all. But I hope I have my priorities right here. I hope that the time spent with my children is not just for my own enjoyment, though it certainly is that. Truly, I am trying my best for them and trying to make them feel secure in who they are and are becoming. I hope they know not only that I love them, but that I want to be with them.
Because I do.
And one day, when my life is summed up, I do not really care if people remember that I wrote airline posts or had visited every country in the world or built a comfortable living. Those things are fine, but they are not the point. What I hope is that Augustine and Claire Marie can say, honestly, that their father loved them, was present for them, taught them what mattered, and lived his life to actually reflect what he espoused.
That would be enough.
A great family photo with a great father and his two great kids! May your children grow up healthy and with both parents by their side!
Well said, Matthew. Thank you for sharing this. You seem like a great dad. Happy Father’s Day!
Beautifully said. Happy father’s day.
“The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.” – John Green –
A very wealthy neighbor wrote a book about how to succeed, etc and in it he constantly referenced the fact his late father was stoic, didn’t open up to him, didn’t ‘help’ him. Didn’t take vacations with them. Despite the fact his father worked very hard, probably to the point of exhaustion that he didn’t have much more to give.
What struck me was how much he referenced this aspect of his dad with no gratitude for the time he gave up to work and provide. The ‘golden’ days of the US people hark back to of the 50s and 60s were still filled with lots of sacrifice and not a lot of luxuries.
He himself had kids later in life wanting to have built a solid foundation so he could have time for them (although along the way of a divorce had to live in another city away from his first kids).
He is proud of being a ‘best friend’ to his son from his second marriage but I am still struck by the lack of any gratitude or understanding that his dad had a different way of providing, and that he felt the need to make it so clear in the print of what amounts to an autobiography.
There was no abuse, no yelling, degrading etc.
Hmm, well my father provided what by almost any measure would be considered a “privileged” lifestyle for his family, but I’d gladly have swapped it for an ordinary suburban upbringing with a father who was actually present and interested, rather than being 100% engrossed in his business almost 100% of the time.
Agree completely. Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly, and happy father’s day.
thanks for the reminder that being a great parent is a choice and some people do make the right choices over and over.
You have often spoken about how great your father was and what he gave you including a deep and abiding faith. You had an enormous headstart on being a great parent that many young people today don’t have.
May you and your kids celebrate each other not just this weekend but every day of your lives.
What a nice story, so happy you appear to have the proper balance in your life.
Fine words
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time. I like reading it for several reasons: you’re also a *A/UA flyer, I too used to live in Germany/Switzerland and enjoy seeing the family-oriented content in those countries, etc. But most of all, it’s so clear from all your posts that you’re a fundamentally good person. We may not agree on everything, but thanks for putting your heart and self into your blog posts.
I think it is relatively simple. Many parents choose to work, because if you put in the time you can succeed. Whereas with children you simply do not know. You can put in all the time and effort and your kids may still hate you.
And I think that is something many people realize, and that is why they do not give up their life for their kids.
Thinking of child care and raising as a zero sum game is incredibly naive and usually comes from individuals who have not gone through that process. The intrinsic return is not measured by metrics but by bond. It’s much easier to make them hate you when they don’t know you than otherwise. I’m very sure Matthew concurs with this.
Beautiful Sentiments Matt.
Well done. Happy Father’s Day, Matthew!
My father passed away 4 years ago. He worked quite a few hours. At that time that was what fathers did, provide for the family. He once told me he would have loved to have been a pilot (he had an engineering background) but didn’t think it was an appropriate career for a parent.
Some people only value money. Long ago I realized monwy is nice but your time is limited, sometimes severely limited, and you need to enjoy it within reason. Money can buy you freedom or possessions but usually not both. While I didn’t retire super early, I did retire earlier than many at 60. I miss the challenging and problem solving parts of work but not the bureaucracy and pettiness that goes on.
I never had any interest in kids or getting married young. I did get married in my 50s and over the last 18 months have spent a lot of time with our 5 yr old and 8 yr old grandnieces and I really enjoyed doing so and can better understand why many people value being a parent. For me I think I made the right decision since I was a different person when I was younger.
Happy Father’s Day.
Didn’t realize so many readers have daddy issues.