A personal reflection as we enter 2025 that goes beyond this blog but also will shape the way I travel and spend my time.
Saying NO In 2025
I made a lot of progress in 2024; I’d call it a positive year, overall. I’m thankful that my wife and I celebrated our 10th anniversary, and our relationship continues to grow deeper. I’m thankful for my beautiful children, who are smart and making great academic progress. I’m thankful for a lovely family and in-laws and the time spent with them. I’m thankful for friends who care, for deep conversation and joyous laughter over coffee or dinner. I’m thankful for my work, which not only feeds my family but is something I enjoy and can continue to improve in. I’m thankful to you, dear blog readers, for the many engaging conversations on Live And Let’s Fly. I’m thankful for a faith that grounds me and informs the way in which I look at almost any matter.
But I’ve noticed a shortcoming that I have already been working on but will focus on in 2025: saying NO. I don’t like conflict, I like to please people, and it brings me great joy to help others, whether professionally or personally.
Socrates talked about the “golden mean,” this idea that you should not give if it hinders your ability to continue to give. There’s a biblical warrant for such action in the idea of being shrewd as stated, for example, in Matthew 10:16 or Proverbs 22:3.
People take advantage of you if you let them. I found this out with my former business and I continue to see it in various relationships…there are “givers” and “takers” and the “takers” are pretty good at extracting from the “givers.”
Backbone cannot be reduced to saying no or being abrupt, disagreeable, or contrarian. But it would do me good to be a little more abrupt and disagreeable, especially when it comes to my work outside this blog.
And maybe a little more on this blog too…I go out of my way to be sensitive to most who wish to comment here, but it often leads to off-topic and counterproductive discussion. Maybe part of saying “no” is also saying no to obnoxious jerks or trolls who do not add to the conversation here (conversation, I must add, that I am deeply grateful for).
I think it would do us all good to take stock of whether we are givers or takers and try to strike a better balance. Saying no is not selfish…it is taking care of yourself so that you can continue to take care of others.
On the Chinese calendar, this is the year of the snake…I hate snakes, but I do hope, borrowing that language from the Gospel according to Mathew, that I will be shrewd as a serpent this year with my time and resources. May that be true for all of us.
I always say to everyone “The most important person in your life is you.” If you put other people first, then you won’t have enough energy for your needs and those who rely on you the most. It’s exemplified in the travel world every time we board a plane and listen to boarding instructions. “If an oxygen mask falls down, put it on yourself first and only then help your child.” My daughter didn’t understand this until I explained it to her. Same principle applies in everyday life. You are the most important person in your life.
Well said, Lukas…
I’m loving the oxygen mask analogy, I will use it for a couple of people in my life who are a bit too selfless to properly look after themselves.
@Lucas … Avoid aloofness .
This was very helpful and encouraging to me Matthew. Thank you for it.
@Lukas: while I understand your thought process, things take a whole different perspective when you have kids. The day my kids were born, they became my #1 priority. Yes, I need to take care of myself so I can take care of them but the things that were important to me suddenly were no longer priority. When you don’t have kids you want to spend time and money on “you” but then you want to spend time and money on “them”. You no longer save money to travel to that cool location or to buy that dream car, you first make sure you have the money needed doe their education, for their wellbeing, for them to have memorable moments with you. I am not there yet but once kids are out of college and have a good job that can allow them to be on their own, you then bring the priority back to you. So, yes, the most important person is myself since I need to be always ready to take care of themselves but everything is about them until they are on their own.
Both mine and your comment can be valid at the same time. I have two children (one graduating college, one entering college) and you are right, up until this moment everything was about them.
Matthew’s article is about saying “no” to others outside his family which I encourage my children to do as well. You can’t please everyone and many people will take advantage of you if you aren’t firm and assertive. Speak up for yourself because others won’t which goes back to my first comment. Great article!
Avoid aloofness .
“that I will be shrewd as a serpent this year”
The Chinese calendar says something similar, as those born in the year of the snake are said to be enigmatic, wise, and sympathetic.
When Mao said “let a hundred flowers bloom” , he was being a treacherous snake ; and soon struck down those who did express an opinion , during his “great cultural revolution” .
None of which has anything to do with the Chinese Zodiac. But hey, keep doing exactly what Matthew spoke about in this post…
@Aaron … Well , if your example relates to Chinese snakes , then it’s time for Mao .
You are either really obtuse or just can’t help yourself in trying to derail a chat thread.
STFU Aaron
Make me, you impotent incel.
Incel, big word coming from a male who takes cock from both ends for a living.
Homophobic is also another word to describe you. As are words like vile, putrid, disgusting, sad, and pathetic.
Yeah but what are you gonna do about it fag boy?
Keep reminding people on here about how putrid you are?
Go ahead, and remind everyone what a sad, dull, little bitch retard you are, which you do every single time you express yourself.
Saying “No” , can be a hint of a “closed mind” .
Saying “Maybe , let’s hear more” , can be a hint of an open mind .
Saying “Oh , I didn’t know about that” , can be a hint of a more open mind .
Saying “Tell me something interesting” , can be a hint of an even more open mind .
@Matthew … Everyone knows Something that you don’t know .
If you say “No” , you’ve just lost the opportunity to learn Something new .
Similar to the King who refuses to hear what certain people say ?
You may not like a majority of my comments and it’s your blog to do what you want with, but this is a great post by you. And yea, you are way too nice at times. Whether I’m allowed here or not, know that I and many others appreciate the forum you provide and the leeway you give us to express our opinions, as unpopular as they are with some at times.
May you have a safe and profitable New Year filled with travel!
@Dave … You know stuff which I don’t know , and you can do stuff which I cannot do . That’s the key for cooperation .
@Matthew did you just delete reply comments on this post as an example of “no”?
No.
You’re right, I was imagining things
Don’t hurt yourself patting yourself on your back.
Gee Matthew, I sure hope you’re not talking about me.
@Chi … Everyone’s comment can have a place , even if to emphasis the importance of collegial freedom of speech . If you are censored , then it would be a form of closing the door to others . In military in war a company stand-down enabled everyone of all ranks to get a lot of beer and cigars , and express themselves . We learn a lot and get a lot off our chests .
Indeed. A great post. I am also approaching the stage of just saying, “no.” That is, enough with trying to appeal to everyone. Focusing on those that matter or who are worthy of your standards. Vetting out properly those who do not and walking away.
My 83 year old mother says it best, “You will come to an age eventually when you realize that you are out of fucks, out of consideration for everyone, and wish to spend your days exclusively with those that you respect and appreciate.” And, she adds, “That age should be lowered to 30.”
There is a lot of wisdom in your message. Thanks!
Bravo! Many times, saying “no” firmly and diplomatically, especially to people you like, is one of the hardest things to do. I wish you luck.
Congratulations on noticing that rejecting others is one of the hardest things to do . Many people with good manners are incapable of doing so .
Unfortunately , not so hard for the aristocratically aloof or self-centered who view themselves as special .
Dude give it a rest. This is a comment section on a privately run blog, not the last frontier of free speech. The post was about Matthew’s views, and you made the comments about you, many times even speaking for him. And you say others are self-absorbed… geez.
I believe it was Warren Buffet who said one of characteristics of successful people was being able to say no.
Sorry … not Warren . Anyway , Warren is friendly to everyone he meets and has manners .
Warren Buffett’s Key to Success: ‘Say No to Almost Everything’
“Warren Buffett is one of the most successful businessmen and investors of all time, and one of the keys to his success is his ability to prioritize and use his time wisely. Time is limited, so if you want to make the most of it, you have to be able to say “no” to people and opportunities that don’t directly benefit your personal or professional growth. Warren Buffett is one of the most successful businessmen and investors of all time, and one of the keys to his success is his ability to prioritize and use his time wisely. Time is limited, so if you want to make the most of it, you have to be able to say “no” to people and opportunities that don’t directly benefit your personal or professional growth.”
https://finance.yahoo.com/news/warren-buffett-key-success-no-161048764.html
If he said no to almost everything , then he would rarely say yes . That’s like saying “my cat rarely bites” .
Yet he does say yes , and his cat does bite .
Saying no means a sort of aloofness and conceit . Warren is better than that .
Warren’s key to success is studying the books and prospects of well-managed companies . His key to success is study.
In other words , Warren’s key to success is Work , with a capital W .
Warren was not selfish , nor negative , when he piloted Goldman Sachs out of trouble . He said yes to Goldman Sachs , and he stepped up and helped . People who step up and help are not people who say no .
Kind of odd you feel the need to refute or put your spin on his own words.
I think you quoted Yahoo , not Warren .
Excellent post — one of your best, actually. Had to come back and re-read it again today.
Matthew, as part of your new “say no” strategy, why can’t you say “no” to the repetitive comments that come from the same cast of characters that are never travel related? It really taints what you are trying to do.
I have been saying “no” for years. It is amazing how uncluttered, stress free life has become since many people who I knew have exited my life as they move on to others to “befriend”.
Late to the party here, but wanted to add my $.02. Setting boundaries is the single best thing you can do to improve your life. The hardest part will come when the takers try to guilt you into bending those boundaries, usually by playing the “compassion” card (i.e. you aren’t displaying “compassion” if you don’t help) or claiming they’ll reward your loyalty later. Have I lost some clients because I refused to interrupt my vacation to attend to their “urgent” need? Have I lost acquaintances because I wouldn’t give in to their needs for help “just this one time”? Sure, but I’ve also figured out those just aren’t people you need in your life.
Try it. You’ll thank yourself later.