10 years ago, I married my wife Heidi in a castle chapel in Stuttgart with friends and family looking on. The last decade has been quite a roller coaster, but we stand together today stronger than ever and more committed to one another as we enter our next decade together. Here are 10 lessons I’ve learned from 10 years of marriage, which I hope will be practical to anyone married or in a serious relationship, though perhaps especially to travelers for which distance is sometimes required.

10 Lessons From 10 Years Of Marriage: A Traveler’s Perspective

I classify my “real” anniversary as in April–the month in which Heidi and I entered into a civil marriage in Germany–but our church wedding was not until June and this week we are celebrating the 10th anniversary of that day.

Let’s get to the lessons.

1. Honesty Is At The Root Of Every Enduring Relationship

An enduring relationship cannot flourish without honesty. While it may seem expedient to lie or to hold back key information, it always backfires. Honesty can hurt. It can be unpleasant. But Heidi and I are brutally honest with one another and that honesty forms the trust that is the foundation of our bond and the condition upon which we grow and flourish together.

2. Quality Time Is The Currency Of Love

I work a lot when I am home and travel often. Heidi also works. We also have two young children who require a lot of tender loving care. While Heidi and I don’t spend vast quantities of time together, we do spend quality time together, allowing time each day for meaningful conversation and reflection. Take time each day to talk to your partner.

3. Involve Your Partner In Every Key Decision

One regret I have, and this relates back to the first point, is that I did not discuss my former business more openly with my wife. That was a huge mistake because she certainly could have helped me better deal with some of the many landmines that I encountered in that line of work and spared me many headaches (not to mention vast sums of money). I did not want to “trouble her” with all of my business problems at the time, but she was more shrewd and discerning than I was and frankly, it was laziness and pride on my part…I did not want to show weakness. But a relationship is all about being vulnerable with the other: it is in that vulnerability that we can cling to one another and love each other more. Two heads are better than one!

4. Organization Is Essential

By nature, I’m not a highly organized person. That’s potentially disastrous for a business owner and attorney. But like anything, you can train yourself over time. It may not be natural, but is doable. Having a shared calendar, talking through the day over coffee each morning, and thoughtfully creating very concrete 5- and 10-year plans have helped guide our long-term organization. Smaller things like Quickbooks (oh how I hate it) and clearing away the dishes and loading the dishwasher immediately after each meal have helped keep our house tidy. We are trying to instill those values into our kids as well, which will help them throughout life.

5. Intimacy Is About The Other Person

The sexual ethic is a difficult subject in our me-first, instant-gratification culture. But when congress is considered for the benefit of the other person, not for yourself, the result is a highly satisfying level of intimacy that brings you closer than ever to your partner physically and emotionally.

6. Diet And Exercise Position You For A Life Of Vitality

It’s not a cliché to eat right and exercise (and sleep well too); it is a discipline and it is hard work. Heidi and I made a commitment to one another from the day we were married (and working out at the Park Hyatt Paris during our honeymoon) that we would take care of our bodies. We have.

That doesn’t mean we will be free of poor health…we are all dealt a certain genetic hand that we must deal with and also may encounter roadblocks totally outside of our control…but for what we can control, we make the time to eat healthy when at home and exercise six days a week (seven for Heidi…I take Sundays off).

And like anything (just like the organization element), a healthy habit creates a pattern that becomes easier. I enjoy eating healthy food now and going to the gym. I may seem like a garbage disposal when I travel, but I’m happy to bypass highly processed foods at home and have gone from craving them to no longer desiring them. I hope to see those benefits 20-30 years down the line.

7. When Trials Come, Be A Comforter

When trials come…and they most certainly will if they have not come yet…sometimes the best thing your partner can do is be present. There may be no immediate solution or silver lining, but it is rare to encounter a problem that cannot be overcome. Words are not always required and are often best left unsaid. Sometimes, we know that the trial is of our own making, but a tender hug and kiss is a far more effective tool of conviction than scolding over spilled milk.

8. Splurge…You Won’t Regret It

I just reviewed our stay at The Brando to celebrate our 10th anniversary. It was a very costly trip…but it was one of, if not the greatest trips we’ve ever had together. We also took a sensational budget trip to Israel just before the pandemic that was rewarding too, so my point here is not that you necessarily need fancy trips. But splurging for your spouse–pouring lavish gifts on the one you love–is a sign of love and it does mean a lot and is a testament to your love.

9. Children Are A Blessing From God

I think almost any parent will tell you there is a bit of apprehension when considering children and that was certianly true for us. Heidi and I were still in our 20s when Augustine was conceived and we both felt anxious about bringing a child into the world.

But we now look at our two children with such joy and thanksgiving. They are not the highest affections of our hearts (that belongs to God and then one another), but we would gladly give our lives for them and have been so blessed by their presence, their beauty, and their unique dispositions. What a lovely thing it is to hold your own children tight and to see their resemblance to you. But oh, what a responsibility. And yet I would not have it any other way.

10. Forgive, Forgive, Forgive

I mess up all the time. And yes, Heidi does too. The key to a lasting marriage? Forgiveness. Over and over. Forgive, forgive, then forgive again (hopefully not for the same thing, over and over!). I look back on some of the mistakes I’ve made and shake my head. But when you resolve each day to forgive and you do so not just with your lips but with your heart, it is one of the most liberating gifts of human life.

And here I must add that there is a common Christian faith at the center of our relationship that aligns our worldviews and guides our decisions in life. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of that faith and an expression of love that gives profound purpose and depth to our relationship.

CONCLUSION

I consider myself blessed beyond belief to share my life with a woman I love so dearly and who is beautiful inside and out. Marriage is a struggle, but it is a good struggle; the kind of struggle that refines us into the people we were meant to be and can bring out the absolute best in us. I don’t believe in soulmates…but I do believe in love and love is a constant act of willing the good of the other. I hope to do that much better in the next decade.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. – Proverbs 18:22

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