Review: The Brando – Private Island Resort In French Polynesia

My wife and I spent three nights at The Brando, a resort on the private atoll of Tetiaroa in French Polynesia. Long story short, it was worth the price tag and we had a spectacular time in one of the most beautiful places in the world.

The Brando Review

I wanted to treat Heidi to something special for our 10th anniversary. We’ve been through so much over the last decade and I wanted to mark the occasion with a memorable trip to a beautiful place. At 3,400€ per night for a room, this was indeed a splurge. In fact, it was a splurge unlike any splurge I have ever made for a hotel room before. But I wanted somewhere very special and this was certainly it.

We could have paid about €700/night more for an all-inclusive package (included lunch and dinner plus alcohol), but since Heidi does not drink and we stick to protein, we went with the brekafast-only package.

History

Tetiaroa was purchased by Marlin Brando in 1967 after he fell in love with it while filming Mutiny on the Bounty. The Brando family still owns the atoll and leases out part of it to the resort while also investing in protecting its natural beauty and biodiversity by strictly limiting development and creating a self-sustaining atoll. A team of scientists and researchers is stationed on the atoll with researchers from around the world flying into to study the unique conditions present.

Location

To reach Tetiaroa, we flew on Air Tetiaroa from a private terminal at Fa’a’ā International Airport in Papeete.

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> Read More: Air Tetiaroa Lounge – Tahiti (PPT)
> Read More: Air Tetiaroa Britten-Norman BN-2 Islander (Tahiti – Tetiaroa)

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Arrival

Upon our arrival, staff were waiting to greet us and the other couple onboard the Air Tetiaroa. We were warmly welcomed and taken directly to the villa. There was no front desk processing required, though Laura, our attendant, took our passports to record pertinent details. I had prepaid by a secure website prior to arrival.

We were driven by golf cart from the airstrip to our villa and advised that anytime we needed a ride I could just call Laura. We ended up mostly walking or using the bicycles provided at our villa to get around…the island is not large.

24/7 staff are available as well as a sundries shop and a Hinerava jewelry shop specializing in black pearls in the center of the resort.

A Sense Of Privacy

The resort has only 35 villas, each with immense space and privacy. One-bedroom, family villas (same size as one-bedroom villas, just with two extra twin beds), two-bedroom villas, and three-bedroom villas are available.

The larger villas include kitchens and one of the rooms designed for the nanny or cook, underscoring the type of clientele this place attracts…such as Oprah, Barack Obama, Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé, Leonardo DiCaprio, Margot Robbie, and Pippa Middleton.

While that guest list offers no attraction to me, it certainly makes sense why those celebs would visit this particular resort: you really are alone. You have no crowds, no lines, and no paparazzi (photos of other guests are strictly prohibited and grounds for immediate removal from the resort).

Our Villa

Our one-bedroom villa, 104, included a study, living room, bedroom, and large bathroom.

 

A sliding door opened to a patio area, covered dining table, our own pool, and a large private yard behind it with hammocks and a couch big enough for the two of us.

One of my favorite features of the room was the outdoor bathtub on a side terrace. Heidi and I sat in the bathtub at night overlooking the beautiful southern constellations.

Bottled water and coffee (Nespresso pods) were refilled twice daily. A full mini-bar was also available (not included).

When making my reservation the resort asked if we were celebrating a special occasion and I mentioned it was our 10th anniversary. Very kindly, a bottle of Barons de Rothschild Concordia Brut Champagne was waiting in the room:

The Beach

From our room, we could simply step out through our “backyard” and onto the beach. The waters were crystal clear and radiated in the light, with the mountain range of Tahiti in the distance.

Dining

The Brando features three restaurants, two bars, and 24/7 room service.

Nami Teppanyaki

We dined at Nami, the Japanese restaurant, the first night.

I tried the tasting menu while Heidi ordered fish.

Both the fish and the beef were perfectly prepared and delicious and the vegetables and the black sesame ice cream were an interesting mix of flavors.

Beachcomber Café

We dined at Beachcomber Café for breakfast, which started with a tray of cheese and meats, fruit platter, and bread basket. From there, we ordered different dishes of the a la carte menu as well as coffee and juice.

The acai bowl was a highlight every morning, the omelets and French Toast wonderful, but the best thing on the menu was the grilled tuna.

My one complaint…and about the only complaint I have about my entire stay….the coffee was not to my liking. The espresso tasted like Nespresso and the French Press-style coffee was just too bitter…and that is truly a wasted opportunity. I concede that I am particularly anal about my coffee, but I’d like to see The Brando ditch its current machine for a La Marzocco Linea PB machine with beans from Kaūa’a Coffee.

We ate dinner here one night and enjoyed a lovely octopus dish and pork.

Les Mutinés

On our last night, we dined at the hotel’s fine-dining French restaurant themed after Brando’s Mutiny On The Bounty film. The chandelier in the center of the dining room is meant to resemble the HMS Bounty.

There was a cool pre-fixe menu offered with dishes pulled from the route of the HMS Bounty (including fish and chips for the first course):

However, we ordered off the a la carte menu and once again Heidi made the far better choice in appetizer (octopus) than I did (grilled escabeche autre).

We then shared fish and beef (roasted wagyu with truffle purée, which was very nice).

For dessert, we had a Soufflé Miel (honey) and Café de Rurutu (locally-rated coffee with ice cream) followed by petit fours.

Children under 10 are not permitted…I kind of love that.

Bob’s Bar

Prior to The Brando, Bob’s Bar was the original social hub on the island. When on the island, Brando would allegedly visit daily to sip cocktails.

Te Manu Bar

A beautiful bar with an indoor and outdoor section overlooking the water.

Room Service

While I will typically order room service when I am alone, it is fun to go out to eat when you’re with someone, so we only ordered room service once: a late breakfast after our spa treatment.

Spa

In all our years of marriage, my wife and I have never had a couple’s massage… until now. We did a 60-minute massage on our third day.

Our massage took place in Fare Manu (“the bird house”) in a nest-like suspended treatment room with a private bathtub and lounge chairs outside. Luc and Miri provided the massage and were simply superb: it was 60 minutes of bliss.

The spa complex is quite beautiful with treatment rooms overlooking a calm river, a steam room, plunge pool, and lounge with complimentary drinks and snacks.

Fitness Center

For a resort with only 35 rooms, The Brando offers a very nice fitness center with strength training and cardio equipment. I loved that we could continue our workouts even while on a remote atoll.

Tennis

A tennis/pickleball court is available with equipment available for rental.

Swimming Pool

There’s a large freshwater swimming pool available, but when the ocean’s right there…

…and your own pool…well, I never saw anyone using it.

Snorkeling

Snorkeling gear is available on request and Heidi and I did take advantage of the beautiful crystal-clear water to go exploring. It was a good compromise to scuba diving and by going out early in the morning or during golden hour, I avoided sunburn.

Other Activities

Upon arrival, an itinerary had been proposed for our three-day stay. It was 100% optional, but for purposes of this review, I wanted to participate in several of the proposed activities.

On the afternoon of our arrival, we learned about the history of the Tahitian language (an exclusively oral language until the arrival of Protestant missionaries…the Tahitian Bible became the preeminent text from which Polynesians learned to read and write).

We did an “Ultimate Tour” via boat, past to an island that felt more like an ancient forest… because it was an ancient and undisturbed forest…and teeming with coconut crabs (caution – they will snap your finger off…). Tehiana did a lovely job explaining everything and the boat crew was charming.

That ended at the “billionaire’s pool” though it was high noon and my poor skin required me to remain onboard the covered boat rather than go swimming.

One evening there was a Polynesian dance show at Beachcomber Café. If I am being honest, I’m not a fan of these, and perhaps that is my own unhelpful biases about cultural appropriation and this idea that you are putting on a show for tourists that you never otherwise do yourself. But I asked three people about that…and all said that this is not just a tourist show, but something they do participate in when they get together with no tourists around.

 

We also did a “Green Tour” that showcased the hotel’s ecology efforts. Per the wishes of Marlon Brando himself, the resort takes conservation efforts very seriously and is working toward being 100% self-sustaining. Here we saw all sorts of measures taken to promote that goal and power the resort like trash compacting and recycling, the fruit and vegetable garden, the seawater air conditioning system, and water purification systems.

I think it is amazing how much the hotel is doing to be self-sufficient…it’s something we can all learn from.

When I return (and I certainly hope to return), I want to relax and not leave the villa except to eat (or watch more turtles…see below), but I am very thankful I did every one of the activities I did…it made me appreciate the property and the beauty of the Society Islands so much more.

Hatching Of The Turtles

We received a call at 5:00 am on our last morning, asking if we wanted to see recently hatched turtles run to the ocean. Oh yes, please! It was one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed in terms of animal life and it was beautiful…though I had to chuckle about the circle of life: there was a shark circling the water waiting to feast upon the baby turtles unable to get away quickly enough.

Departure Lounge

Before our afternoon flight back to Tahiti, we were escorted from our villa to a departure lounge to await the boarding of our Air Tetiaroa flight back to Papeete.

Service

It’s hard to discuss the service without sounding like I am a paid spokesperson…but it was pretty flawless. Yes of course, we were always addressed by name and warmly greeted. Yes of course, the cleaning staff never knocked on the door at the wrong time. But a couple of additional examples.

We had ordered room service breakfast for 11:00 am after our massage. Well, we were so relaxed we just hung out for an extra 90 minutes in the spa. Somehow, the food still arrived five minutes after we returned to our villa and at the perfect temperature.

On the last day, we lost track of time and showed up at Beachcomber Café 15 minutes after closing (we thought we had an extra half hour…). Everything had already been cleaned up and the chef was transitioning for lunch, but the staff very graciously still allowed us to enjoy breakfast. Gestures like that mean a great deal to me.

Was It Worth The Money?

You have to understand that this was a tremendous sacrifice. I wish I could say that I made money so easily that a few days here was inconsequential. You really do have to run a cost/benefit analysis and think where that money could have gone instead: middle-class concerns like compound interest over time if that money had been invested or charity or even just paying down the mortgage…

But folks, I’d rather do a trip like this every few years than do an annual or bi-annual trip to a more pedestrian resort. It isn’t that you cannot get great service or food anywhere else…but the beauty here was unmatched and so was the service. I loved it and have zero regrets.

And for my married readers, these special trips are wonderful signs of love and that is worth a lot.

CONCLUSION

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you for reading my review of The Brando and hope you can get a sense of why this was one of the greatest trips and hotel stays of my life. It was a wonderful time with Heidi in one of the most beautiful spots on Earth. I want to return with Heidi. I want to return with my kids. I just want to return!