While I have no tales of overeating on my recent Explora Journeys Caribbean cruise, I did witness some interesting people onboard.
Oh, The People You’ll Meet…On A Cruise Ship
Our next-door neighbors were a couple of British pensioners who were about as old as the islands we stopped at. Back when they started cruising everyone paid allegiance to King George…the Third. But it was really sweet to see how well they got along after all those years together:
Hyacinth: “Reginald, I told you not to wear that waistcoat again!”
Reginald: “What?!”
Hyacinth: “That waistcoat has stains all over it!”
Reginald: “Do shut up.”
It made me sad I wasn’t traveling with my wife Heidi since they would not have been able to hear anything on the other side of their wall…
That reminds me of the Germans. Ah yes, the Germans. Everywhere in the world, you run into Germans. People assumed I was German because I was wearing Birkenstocks with socks onboard. But there was an actual German couple who I sat in the sauna with (another great place to find Germans wherever you are in the world) and they had quite an opinion on the war in Gaza.
Sure I’ve had some enjoyable conversations over the years in the sauna, but I prefer to use the time to meditate, not hear about how evil Israel is.
Of course, English is the lingua franca and when I’m not wearing Birkenstocks everyone assumes I’m an American who can only speak the English.
So when I just stared at them and said nothing when they looked for my affirmation that Netanyahu should be charged with war crimes, one said to the other, “Was für ein Trottel” (referring to me). And I said:
“Gut dass du das denkst…”
…to which they responded with wide-open eyes and a bit of flush, even in an 85ºC sauna.
I ran into them later in the day chowing down on a plate of shrimp and lobster and suggested they might want to go on a hunger strike for the people of Gaza…
And then the Bailey family from London. Mr. Bailey was a hedge-fund manager who didn’t have time for his kids because he worked so hard to make money.
But that’s what vacation is for, right?
Only on this vacation the kids were promptly deposited in the onboard “Nautilus Club” (a guilt-free word for daycare) early each morning and picked up late each night. My son had a great time swimming with them in the afternoon but it also hurt me to see those cute kids spend all seven days with the ship’s nanny instead of their parents (though she was lovely and spoke seven languages…an amazing employee).
The only thing sadder than seeing them dine with the nanny each night was their kicking and screaming when their parents decided they should eat together on the last night and they wanted to stay with the nanny…
Oh, and don’t let me leave out the American couple from California’s Central Valley. Julius and Ethel were cruise experts. Chunky frames, white tube socks, short shorts, visors, and passports affixed to lanyards…check, check, check, check, and check.
They ordered an “eXpresso with vanilla syrup” while I was enjoying my morning solitude at the café then did a FaceTime call with the grandkids until a waiter ever-so-politely told them that their phone call was too loud. They pretended they did not understand him and continued the call until Julius bumped the table with his gut and tipped over a cup of coffee.
Don’t let me forget the couple seated nearby them. Natasha was a gorgeous Russian blonde. Igor was heavyset, bald, and about 40 years her senior. Natasha loved Igor for his intellect. I could tell because she was busy checking herself out on the front-facing camera of her phone while he was yelling at someone on his phone and flailing his arms like an ostrich trying to fly. They got off in Virgin Gorda and chose not to continue to Miami. I wonder why…
Then there was the man who was denied a reservation at the steakhouse. He was standing there arguing with the maître d’hôtel about how he needed a table and needed it now. The host politely explained to him that a reservation was required and that there were no tables available to which the man responded that he needed a table anyway and was not taking no for an answer.
We showed up as this whole conversation was unfolding and as we were apologetically led to our table a few moments later, I said nice and loud voice, “Thanks so much for squeezing us in without a reservation” and then nodded at our friend at the door with a smile.
In any case…it was a lovely cruise.
Oh wait, one more thing. A fistfight broke out on the way out. After a week of luxury on the sea, we were herded like cattle into an immigration facility in Miami that felt more like a meat-packing facility (or a Carnival Cruise to Cabo). There was no Global Entry and there was only one (very long) line.
Well, there was one older guy, Steve, with his wife, Karen, and their six bags who decided to cut in line. That angered another older guy named “Rick” who thought it would be constructive to curse him out and then push him out of the way instead of just letting him know that he had cut in line.
Rick and Steve ended up shoving one another while Karen told Steve, “Not again, Steve. This didn’t turn out well last time.” Thankfully, a government official came over and escorted them both on a direct ferry to Guantanamo Bay.
It was a great cruise.
The anecdotes above are roughly based upon true stories, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent…
Fun! To read only.
LOL!! This sounds soooooo familiar and it doesn’t need to include a cruise ship. Every time I travel, within the US or abroad, there is nothing better than people watching. The things you see or hear are sometimes impossible to erase from your mind.
Hilarious matthew! And to think you were hyping up your first cruise to make more sales!
Funny . The title photo of the girl admiring herself in her phone .
Six large carry-on bags cutting in line .
Germans with cheek , but no history , criticizing Israel .
I’d like to see more articles like this , observant and humorous .
I’d like to see more of the girl in the title photo .
Oh screw her. I want to see more of Matthew without his shirt. Pants too if possible.
Well, I guess this goes to show that people on high-end cruises are just as uncouth as those on the cheaper cruises. Just in different ways.
Loved the reference to ‘Keeping up Appearances’, one of my favourite English shows.. my wife and I started to watch the re-runs
I thought Julius and Ethel passed in ’53?
A fantastic summary!
They escaped the executioner apparently and ended up on Matthew’s cruise
Matthew, you best post/article ever!! Give us more!
Cruises and All Inclusive resorts – always best for people watching.
I’ll be in Punta Cana for five days next week and will probably need a few drinks to drown my Fremdschämen 🙂
You can’t pay me enough to go to an all inclusive hotel. There is no money in the world that will make me do that.
Haven’t done this in 20 years and probably won’t do it for another 20 years 😀
Nice.
We cruise a couple times a year on different cruise lines and are constantly entertained by the British [always] couple who booked their dream cruise a year ago but then didn’t book any specialty restaurant dinner reservations or excursions. Now onboard, they are FURIOUS!!! that they are relegated to the leftovers. They demand to speak to the captain, who graciously meets them and explains that everybody else on a luxury cruise has also booked a premium cabin, and that reservations are needed because of capacity limitations in the restaurants and with the tour operators. The self-regal couple retorts that they will NEVER!!! book with the cruise line again. The captain replies, “I’m very sorry that you feel that way.” Then, all the other passengers within hearing distance immediately flock to the Future Cruises Desk to book a future sailing with the cruise line, knowing that they will never run into THAT couple on the cruise line again.
Come to think of it, a good marketing ploy would be for Luxury Cruise Line A to hire actors to stage such a scene in a very public gathering. Then the actors scream, “This is an outrage! We’re never sailing with Cruise Line A again! We’re going back to Luxury Cruise Line B exclusively because they like us there!!!” That tactic would serve the double purpose of increasing future bookings on Line A while depressing the reputation of competitor Line B.
Germans being antisemitic? Haven’t we done that already?
This is probably my favorite article ever on this site. I love it.
Mathew! Didn’t know you could be such a troll 🙂
I guess some of the commenters are rubbing off on you!
Love the article!!!
Are these all real stories?? Never been on a cruise b4, have no idea there is so much drama on board.
Bunny, there’s not really any significant drama aboard a cruise. That’s the whole point of a cruise—a fun, stress-free environment where everything is provided for you and you meet new and interesting friends. But there is always that one person, or couple, who are a$$holes and they become a shared source of entertainment (primarily jokes) among the rest of passengers that serve to illustrate how much fun everyone else on the cruise is having. Typically, the behavior is directed at a new crew member about some minor mistake. Then the rest of the passengers make a point of being extra kind and thankful to that crew member. We’ve been on over 50 cruises, can only remember three jerks, and we still laugh at them. The rest were easily forgotten and we never interacted with them on the cruise anyway. If you take a cruise and meet that couple who complain about absolutely everything, your best course of action is to tell them all the things you are enjoying. That drives then nuts. Then you just ignore them the rest of the cruise.
Gosh that was funny!!! Thank you Matthew!
Julius & Ethel? Rick & Steve? as a psychology, teacher once told me in college, there’s no such thing as random..
This could also have been set at a high end resort
Weather people are badly behaved