A “Dear Abby” travel-related question caught my eye and think it merits further discussion.
Travel Advice: Don’t Give Into Selfish Boyfriend On Travel
Here’s the letter:
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is 60 and has an autoimmune disease. He’s dependent on oxygen and suffers a great deal. He can drive, walk and care for himself, although I assist in his care quite a bit.
I was invited to take a trip with my daughter and my sisters to London next month for a week. He doesn’t want me to go and won’t say why, other than he’s frustrated because he can’t travel abroad. (He would never want to go on a girls trip to London.) He actually told me, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t go.” I responded, “If you really loved ME, you would be happy for me to go with my family and enjoy the trip for a week.”
I cook and clean for him every day. I am the breadwinner and pay for everything. I treat him like a king. What should I do? — YEARNING FOR TRAVEL
Before we look at Abby’s answer, let me give you my answer.
Dear YEARNING FOR TRAVEL,
Time to give your boyfriend the ultimatum. His selfishness is exposed by not only by his actions but by his inability to articulate why you should not travel to London. Clearly, he’s jealous of you and jealously is never a good look in a relationship. If he really loved you, he would never said, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t go.”
And let’s be real: even if he wanted to go, he’d probably be a burden on all of you. If you cook and clean for him every day–and pay his bills–just what does he bring to the table? Because it sounds like he is not even all that kind to you when he expresses frustration and places guilt on you when you have the opportunity do something nice.
Don’t sacrifice this opportunity to create priceless family memories by dragging a third rail along. In fact, I’d just dump him. The “king” is acting like a spoiled prince.
Now how did the really Abby answer?
DEAR YEARNING: You do plenty for your boyfriend. He is trying to guilt you into not going. With the load you have been carrying, you deserve a break. Ensure that a friend or family member of his can keep an eye on him in your absence. Then ignore his comments and go on that trip. Please!
Thank you! I agree, though would be harsher in making clear that such feelings are simply unacceptable in the relationship.
CONCLUSION
I grew up reading the Ann Landers (Eppie Lederer) column in my own newspaper, who actually was the competitive identical twin sister of Abigail Van Buren (Pauline Phillips). I also got a chuckle growing up listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a radio host who also dispensed practical relationship advice. Here, I hope we all can agree that the boyfriend is acting selfishly and that while every situation may be context dependent, a controlling partner blocking travel out of jealously is never a good look.
I agree with your and Abby’s advice. I might go one step further and advise that this doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship in general; it may be time for her to cut her losses.
By the way, it seems to me that it’s usually the opposite gender that initiates this kind of guilt trip in a hetero relationship, no?
Uh, what? In a hetero relationship there is always a separate gender…..
I meant “opposite to the male in this story.” 😉
“I might go one step further…”
Although, now I realize you already said that.
Isn’t it time for him to accept his fate and just buy a grave to jump in?
Yes, this seems pretty cut and dry. I’m trying to think of something to defend the guy, but I’ve got nothing.
I thought it was Sunday for a sec
@ HondaRider — I had to ask my spouse if it was Sunday. LoL.
Send my love to FCQ!
I thought the same!
Also, dump the loser
This is why you should never be solely invested in one person for all your needs. It’s unfair to them and you. This is why a lot of white Republican males cheat on their spouses while BSing about traditional family values. Their main terrorist leader trump cheated on all his wives while those a-holes ran on family values ticket with a straight face.
My advice to this man, let her go and enjoy herself and then find a hooker. Too bad she will be taking her sister too, so hooker it is. Don’t forget to preach family values to the hooker though. It will improve the experience i guess?
Find a hooker who looks like the sister and everyone wins in this situation. Why do people make relationship advice so difficult?
Amusing typo: competitive identical twitting sister
Fixed. Thanks Paul.
She must be a good bit younger, and the dude must have a lot of money, since there really isn’t a good reason to stick around a jealous, gimped boomer if he wasn’t somewhat rich.
Toxic relationship is toxic. She’s better off with a guy who isn’t controlling, and he’s better off dying alone and crippled.
Except she is the breadwinner and pays for everything.
It is possible that he is so sick that he requires close daily assistance. He is on oxygen. Some people on oxygen cannot even lean over to brush teeth because that act causes shortness of breath or even passing out.
Remember, he can’t even tell her why she can’t go.
Except he he can drive, walk, and care for himself, and just needs additional assistance from her. Which a temporary nurse could have probably provided.
Maybe he does all the work in bed, only possible reason for keeping the deadbeat around.
Ugh- 60 years old and on oxygen….. there’s an image I don’t want to enter in my mind.
Matt, I’m surprised to hear a lawyer write something such as this. I think you’ve been played. We can’t ascertain why the OP wrote into Dear Abby, but her claim, quote, “treats him like a king” and ‘breadwinner” makes me suspect she already thinks she’s justified in going on the trip, but was perhaps looking to justify an exit strategy by demonizing the guy. We don’t know his side of the story and that’s why the legal system has counsel for both. I’m surprised Abby didn’t see through it either.
I’m reminded of a line in advertising that big companies advertise to make you feel good about a product you’ve already bought. Did this sound like a request for advice or emotional support for a decision she’s already made?
Regarding jealousy: Jealousy is, within moderation, the founding support of people not taking their lives, or spouses, for granted. Is complacency better?
Upon what grounds could a boyfriend ask his girlfriend not to travel if he was able to care for himself?