The only thing worse than openly complaining about a crying baby on an airplane is passive-aggressively complaining about a baby. And perhaps the only thing worse than that is passive-aggressively complaining about the passive-aggressive passenger…
Stephanie Hollifield, a parenting blogger, was traveling from Tampa to Las Vegas on Southwest Airlines last Sunday. Upon boarding, she took her seat behind a man who loudly sighed as they sat down. Her daughter was just laughing then, but she began to scream as the flight took off. Feeling discomfort, she apologized to the passengers around her but continued to receive cold stares from others, especially from the man sitting in front her.
After the flight, she penned the following “open letter” on Facebook which I include in full below:
To the Gentleman on Flight 1451,
I first noticed you when you sighed loudly as you laid eyes on me and my toddler boarding the plane.
In a momentary lapse of judgement, we sat behind you. It was the nearest set of seats, and I couldn’t wait to put my child and our heavy bags down.
From the over dramatic huffs and puffs you let out as we buckled in, it was clear that you were annoyed by our very presence.
At this point, my little girl was laughing and playing, obviously too loud for your liking.
I wondered if you had a bad day, or if this grouchy temperament was your normal behavior.
I wondered if your wife was embarrassed as she quietly nodded at your frustrations.
I wondered if you had children of your own.
I wondered a lot about you. Did you wonder about us?
Did you wonder about this mom and little girl who were flying alone? We were so excited to go on an adventure, but I was also very nervous.
This was the first time that I had ever flown with a child, and I was making half of the trip without my husband.
For weeks, I researched tips for flying with kids. I packed toys and games and books and downloaded movies.
I dosed up my child with Benadryl, to make sure any leftover traces of sinus infection didn’t make her ears hurt and to help her rest, but it didn’t work. She only slept 20 minutes on a cross country flight.
I did everything in my power to keep her calm and quiet. I shushed her, and made sure her little feet never kicked your seat.
As we took off, her tears started. The kicking and the screaming tantrums came on fast.
She had been up since early morning. She hadn’t eaten much because she didn’t want airport food.
She was recovering from the tail end of a sinus infection, and I wondered if the pressure from the altitude hurt her ears.
She was exhausted and fussy.
You did not let up with your mutters of annoyance and looks over your shoulder. You even shoved the back of the sea[t] towards us.
I apologized to everyone around me. I almost started crying myself.
I was feeling shame and guilt for not being able to control my own child.
I was at the end of my rope, but then, an angel to the rescue- the flight attendant came by and gave my daughter a cup and straw to play with.
And just like that, the screams stopped and my baby was suddenly content.
The kind attendant told us, “It’s ok! Flying is tough on everyone, and you are both doing great!”
Somehow, her kindness calmed my baby.
Somehow, her simple words made me feel better.
She was right. We were doing great! We were doing our best, and that’s as great as it gets.
The problem wasn’t with us, it was with you.
What you need to know, is that while children can be terribly inconvenient now, they will run the world when you are old and grey.
Kids can be annoying and downright obnoxious, but they are also innovative and brilliant.
These kids might one day discover the cure for the type of cancer that runs in your family.
They can be selfish and loud, but they can also be precious and loving.
They might grow up to build systems and make laws that benefit us all.
They may grow up to serve others in a way that makes us wish we could go in time back and do it all over again.
They are the future.
They are gifts to their family, to their community, and to the world.
We will need them one day, and they need us now.
They need a kind word. They need the novelty of a plastic cup and conversation from a new friend.
They need someone to look square in their mama’s nervous eyes and tell them that they are doing great, and that everything is going to be ok.
If you can’t muster up a smile and a hello, then simple silence will do just fine.
I get it, kids can be a nuisance, but next time you are forced to be near one, I hope that you will be more like the flight attendant. I hope that instead of frustration and annoyance, you feel hope and goodness.
This world certainly has enough negativity without us adding to it, and just maybe the kindness you give out today, will be returned to you in the future.
As a father of a two-year-old, there is a lot I can relate to in her letter. In particular, I like her charge to encourage rather than demean. And I agree that huffing and puffing is an incredibly jejune reaction to a crying child.
But my goodness, she responds to the passive-aggressive passenger with some passive-aggression of her own. What’s up with lines like “the problem wasn’t with us, it was with you” or “while children can be terribly inconvenient now, they will run the world when you are old and grey?”
The problem was a crying baby in a confined space. Unfortunately, that brings out the worst in others. I’m not sure reminding the rude passenger that he will grow old and her baby will grow strong helps to defuse the situation at all. Actually, I am sure. It doesn’t.
Frankly, other passengers really do not care that children “can be selfish and loud, but they can also be precious and loving.” That’s not relevant.
So I feel bad for the baby, because flying can be hard on the ears. I feel bad for the mother, who had no control over the baby, likely through no fault of her own. And I feel bad for the passengers who had to endure the crying.
I used to get so annoyed when babies cried on my flights. Now that I have my own, even though he’s generally been a good passenger for his five trips to Europe, it honestly doesn’t bother me anymore. It was just a change in attitude…a liberating one. When you don’t let something bother you, it does not. When you laugh about it (or at least resolve not to get angry about it), crying or any annoyance that cannot be immediately corrected becomes much more bearable.
What are your thoughts on this passive-aggressive show on Southwest?
(H/T: View from the Wing)
I have two amazing boys and remember it was not easy to fly with them when they were young. I have all the sympathy in the world for parents with little kids on a plane. Lat week there was a guy flying with his baby daughter alone and they sat across the aisle from me. They were in first class and he had her car set on her own seat but she did not want to stay there. He had her in his arms all 4 hours of the flight and entertained her as much as he could. she was fussy and crying a bit but also giggling and laughing other times. What a joy!!!!! I only don’t have sympathy for parents that don’t care about their kids on the planes. There are parents that are clueless, they put a headphone on their ears and ignore what they kids are doing. That is a big problem. Regarding this lady, maybe because she is a blogger she thought it was job to write and get attention. No need to do that. Jet do your best with your kid and as long as you are doing your best simply ignore the rest. Enjoy every second with your kids. They grow tooooooo fast.
Excellent commentary. Thanks for sharing.
First I am a mother of three and a preschool teacher and I am sympathetic to the plight of the crying child because of ears not fully popping on fights. I enjoy the laughing a giggling and a happy child, but recently I had to experience the piercing screams of a toddler on a 9 hour international flight along with it’s sibling yelling that the flight would crash if he didn’t shut up.
The Attendants were useless basically running passed the child and passengers around around him so they didn’t have to deal with the situation.
This poor child did not stop screaming I hoped that at least it would of gotten exhausted and fallen a sleep but it did not. When I say 9 hours I really mean 9 hours straight of screaming. I have experienced screaming from children but usually there is down time. I mean singing songs help or even giving the child a pacifier to help its ears pop. The attendants should be taught some tricks to help in this situation. There are always other choices to make besides ignoring the behavior.
I can’t stand intolerant people.
Snowflake momma wants the world to conform to her vision of how things should be Maybe front seat. Passengerwas recoverong from a sinus infection, too? Is he not allowed to recline? What a bitch.
Oh the entitlement. Personally I save my side eye glare for parents bringing their screaming kids in business or first on a red eye or internationally. Some of us need to sleep on the flight as we go straight to work when we land. But no, let’s feel bad for you since you decided to have kids and chose to bring them on a trip and in a premium cabin disturbing everyone else. If you can afford the front of the plane you can afford a nanny to sit in the last row of coach with them or just leave the kid at home.
Personally, I loved the passive-aggressive commentary, done in the space of an online vent. Some food for thought:
(1) The passenger is not identified, therefore its unlikely he’ll ever see it. I viewed as more of a PSA/Food for Thought to others when flying on a plane with small children. It was also probably a way for this woman to vent a little.
(2) In our current society, I don’t think there is anything she could have written that would not have offended some portion of the internet populace (See comment above re: snowflakes and horrible name calling). The anonymity of the internet is a blessing and a curse, and some people just can’t seem to contain the basest nature of their personalities. As a blogger, she undoubtedly knew there would be a sizable portion of the readers that would disagree with God knows what (tone, bringing a baby on the plane at all, writing about it on the internet, breathing…!).
(3) You’re flying Southwest! Its an airline that markets itself as a low cost carrier. I’m an A-List preferred on SW, and I can’t remember the last time I was on an SW flight without children. If a seat not near children is that important, fly in first or business class on another airline (no guarantee of no kids, but in my experience, much lower probability).
(4) As a father of four, now all much older, I have witnessed my wife deal with both passive-aggressive and overtly bad behavior from other passengers when our children were little (and believe me, with as much as we have always traveled, my kids were and are great travelers). But interestingly, as a man/father, I’ve never experienced it even once. I get comments like, “what a great dad,” “Oh giving mommy a break,” and “wow even babysitting on the plane.” Subtle sexism … all the way around. Moms are expected to perfectly control their baby or toddler (which, anyone who has ever had a baby or toddler knows is not 100% possible), or their bad moms. Dads are owed a victory parade for spending time with the wee ones!
(5) Finally, at the end of the day, the gentleman’s behavior was just childish. I don’t think he’s owed much sympathy. I’m not saying he deserved to be, say called out by name all over the internet (which he wasn’t). And I’ll also agree we’re only getting one side of the story (mom’s). But, per No. 4 above, does anyone not find this scenario completely believable? Has anyone not experienced the same behavior by some other passenger on a different flight.
The munchkins deserve their seats (especially if paid – we never did the lap thing), just as much as anyone else. The munchkins, nor their parents, deserve to be shamed absent the completely absentee parents mentioned by Santastico above (completely agree with that comment).
TLDR – Mom right, shame on passenger!
@Josh
Southerst may have marketed itself as a lowcost carrier but not anymore. It markets itself as full-service, and indeed it is the only one
Agreed. My point, probably expressed in artfully, was simply that in my personal (admittedly anecdotal) experience, I seem to find a higher percentage of children on my SW flights than on my UA flights (the other airline that gets most of my travel).
I side with the passenger (and all of the other passengers who silently agreed with that person!) Most commentors in the daily mail do as well. No one wants to hear babies cry, especially when you are stuck in tight quarters. I would not expect a person who has taken a child in multiple longhual trips to really show concern for others who would be annoyed by a crying child you could not get away from. And the mom should’ve made sure the kid wasn’t hungry.
that “open letter” is a clear indication the mom knows she did something she shouldn’t have, but doesn’t like being called out on it. if some people have a “right” to introduce noise and commotion to a flight, then others certainly have a “right” to at least roll their eyes.
Well said about the eye-roll. Brava.
I am really split on this. I love children and believe they are a blessing, however there are some places where a minimum level of behaviour should be required, including restaurants and airplanes. This woman sounds like an entitled person. She is making a poor emotional appeal to other mothers (figures she posts to facebook). No doubt all of the other overweight midwest mothers are going to aut0-like and leave BS “encouraging” comments to her about how powerful and brave she is. This is not even worth talking about.
I would be a lot more sympathetic if the mother hadn’t ranted about her experience. She was doing everything she could to a) calm her child and b) pacify the surrounding passengers, and for me, that counts for A LOT. Too often, parents don’t do anything to help their babies (or worse, they let their older kids run around wreaking havoc). But, when she follows it up with her ridiculous open letter, all that compassion goes out the window. I agree with some of the other comments that doing so makes her seem extremely entitled. It would’ve been very different had the tone of her letter been less “negative” (brevity would’ve helped, too).
@Matthew:
“I’m not sure reminding the rude passenger that he will grow old and her baby will grow strong helps to diffuse the situation at all.” *defuse
“So I feel and for the baby, because flying can be hard on the ears.” *feel bad
I was a little concerned about the “dosed with Benadryl”, an antihistamine, as a presumed treatment for a sinus infection-induced inner ear pressure problem. The (admittedly over the counter) medication has a sedating effect (see; Sominex, also diphenhydramine). If it was prescribed or recommended by her healthcare provider, who am I to argue?
I commented on Leff’s blog when he posted this story but yeah, I’m just like you. Kids used to get under my skin crying on planes. Then I had two of my own and I honestly could not care less anymore.
Me, too. Now I hear a baby cry on a plane and I think “oh, I remember when mine were little”.
Also, flying in coach (which is all Southwest has) means putting up with other people in tight quarters and frequently having bad experiences. That is why I decided a few years back to avoid it.
And she’s a “parenting blogger” LOL!
Actually, nobody offended by crying baby. Everyone is, offended by lack of parenting ability to calm down the baby.
Just like bringing an animal (for whatever reason) to a cabin, and the said animal start discomforting others. Nobody mad at the animal. Animal is stupid. The person bringing the animal and unable to take care said animal, however, is complete utter waste of oxygen.
Mawkish, self centred drivel from the author. Was she really intimating that the other passenger wanted her child dead by saying that someday a child may grow up to find a cure for cancer ? All that from a sigh. Pfffft.
Anyone who thinks parents can calm down babies on demand has never been a parent.