I’m re-running this classic piece from 2019 today on a spousal fight over a first class upgrade. I’ve flown a lot of flights in economy class with my wife and kids since this story was written, but otherwise my reaction remains unchanged.
What happens when you are traveling with your spouse and only one of you gets upgraded? Who gets the first class seat? What if one spouse insists on an “all or nothing” upgrade approach?
Those are the questions posed in Slate‘s “Dear Prudence” advice column. First let’s lay out the particulars–because they are interesting–
- Both husband and wife hold airline elite status
- Based on fact pattern, it appears with American Airlines
- Often, only one first class upgrade seat is available on their transcontinental journeys
- Without question, the the husband takes it, leaving wife in business class
- That’s how we know it is American Airlines, since AA is the only airline offer both business class and first class on premium transcontinental flights
- But wife wants both to remain in business class if only one upgrade clears, because she doesn’t like to sleep next to a stranger.
Her rationale is an interesting one:
I did not want the upgrade; I wanted him to sit with me. There were many times I turned first class down to sit with him…
I just want us to only take the upgrade if we both get it. Otherwise I ask them to give my upgrade to any active-duty service member or the next status holder. While I travel alone a lot, I certainly prefer on a red-eye to have him near me as I feel safer sleeping. I always sit in the middle seat next to a stranger so he can have more room.
She concludes her letter by casually dismissing the comfort of first class.
It just makes me feel like he’s being very selfish, but he does not see it that way at all. This is domestic first class, so it’s not that great, just more room, and yes, he’s taller, but to me it’s the fact that he presumes entitlement over me and disrespects my feelings. Am I being petty?
An Unexpected Response
You might think that she would receive some sympathy from Prudence. Instead, she is met with a scorn and eventually probably not the answer she wanted to hear.
It’s always refreshing to have a complete nonproblem. You and your husband are both mildly ridiculous (he is quite rude, which is worse), and the idea that the struggle is about moving from business class to first class is just … something. Also, “This is domestic first class, so it’s not that great” is going to stay with me for a long time. I am sure the people back in steerage by the malfunctioning toilet are deeply invested in this marital squabble.
Ouch!
If only one of you gets the upgrade: The person who gets the upgrade takes the upgrade. Upgrades are to be taken. Who would turn down the upgrade? Conversely, who would fume because his wife gets a hot towel and a quinoa salad? If you get the upgrade and genuinely do not want it, give it to your husband, who wants it. Now you have two seats, unless the airline jams someone in there, so there’s no reason for you to be in the middle next to a stranger.
Well, Prudence should stick to relationship advice and not airline advice. When someone is upgraded to first class, almost immediately the business class seat is filled up by a waitlist a mile long of lower-tier elites followed by employees traveling on a standby basis. The idea that the wife would end up with an open seat next to her in business class is fanciful.
But I like the “upgrades are to be taken” mantra. Indeed, I’ve never been able to figure out couples who are unwilling to separate on a flight, as if that shows one does not love the other.
The fact that the wife mentions taking a middle seat makes me thinks perhaps she is exaggerating about flying business class and upgrading to first class, since business class has no middle seats…
My Take On Spousal Upgrades
Throughout my dating and marriage, I’ve always flown in the same cabin as my spouse. Our first plane trip together was from Washington Dulles to Los Angeles on American Airlines. I was Executive Platinum at the time and received a complimentary upgrade, but I used a systemwide upgrade for her. I doubt that would have gone well had I waved to her goodbye as we boarded the flight!
Over the years, we’ve flown first and business class together many times…we have yet to fly economy class together on a longhaul flight, though now that our son loves airplanes and can keep himself occupied, we may try coach next time.
There was one incident, from San Francisco to Burbank on United, where I got upgraded and my wife did not. I gave her the upgrade…without hesitation. She took it (and had the baby in her arms).
I’m old-fashioned, I guess, but still subscribe to the “happy wife, happy life” mantra. And yet even that has a limit.
If we were flying American from LAX to JFK and only one of us was offered an upgrade, I would insist my wife take it. But if she refused, I’m taking it…sorry, but why should both suffer? Upgrades are to be taken. Period.
Even on American Airlines, where both business and first class still offer lie-flat beds, the first class suite is much more spacious and if you’re sleeping, why not enjoy a comfier bed?
CONCLUSION
Ah, to have first world problems like this! I view the wife’s actions as controlling and unreasonable…but of course this is a male speaking. And shame on the husband for not being a gentleman, even if he is taller.
What are your thoughts on the marital upgrade squabble?
(H/T: View from the Wing)
My god that was a horrible response from the Prudence.. I just traveled to Europe in Premium Economy after being ticketed in Business. However, due to an oversold cabin my mother and I were both downgraded to Premium Economy but after boarding was completed they offered one of us the last Business Class seat. Since we prefer to be next to each other when traveling, we declined taking the last seat and flew in Premium Economy. Everyone will have a different opinion but I think the guy is wrong on taking the First Class upgrade even though he’s already in Business with his wife.
I’d have given my mom the business class seat had it been me…for her own comfort more than anything else.
I think Prudence really comes off as a Bitter Betty.
She always does.
Don’t like the message so attack the messenger seems a harsh way to go. If you get split up, well that’s how it goes sometimes. I’ve booked my wife on Cathay first class with myself in business class before because they only release one award seat until close in. That was my choice but I’m not pretending that there was any awful choice involved. Prudence gives good advice overall, and this one is no exception.
I agree with her advice in this case. I just saw no need for the snark.
Yeah, she could have gotten her point across in a much nicer way.
Just an FYI….You say “She always does” but this answer was written by
Nicole Cliffe, and as it says at the beginning of the article “Nicole Cliffe is filling in as Dear Prudence this week”
Dear Prudence is normally written by Daniel Mallory Ortberg.
I offer to my wife, we usually end up switching ever other flight. More complicated now that we no longer have a lap infant (whoever got first used to take lap infant).
I agree this woman’s story doesn’t make sense, maybe she is sitting in economy plus seating but is so naive she’s calling it business class (or doesn’t want to lower her status).
I offer to my wife purely on utilitarian grounds. I get upgrades a lot for work travel, it’s more rare for her so she gets more enjoyment out of it over her baseline flight experience.
It is probably good for the couple to be separated for a few hours. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Amen. I would always offer it up to my wife. If she didn’t want it, I would certainly take it (if the flight was long enough).
My spouse of 20 years and I happily separate on a flight, whatever the class; we’re quite capable of having a few hours apart and we also sleep at different times on a plane.
Old fashioned is code word for sexist. Women are happy to be sexist when it suits them.
I am old fashioned too. Women need to be in the kitchen and serve the men in their lives. That is what lord put women on earth for.
I am 100% sure women will have problem with the second group of statements but not the first. They are hypocrites.
Prudence misread the woman’s letter. She never said she was in business class. The woman who wrote in was referencing economy to first, not business to first which is an entirely different story.
I don’t think so. The writer said:
Matt: “And shame on the husband for not being a gentleman, even if he is taller.”
Debit: “I am 100% sure women will have problem with the second group of statements but not the first. They are hypocrites.”
I’m sure there are women who aren’t that way. Actually, women from more traditional cultures expect LESS chivalry, in my observation.
All that said, my Lithuanian friend who had status always took his business class upgrades leaving his wife and children in economy.
That being said, here’s my wife upgrade story: Flying out of Kiev to Frankfurt, she was last to check-in and it turns out Lufthansa had gone on strike. She was rebooked on British Airways and into business class. My wife was super happy about it. She arrives in Heathrow and is informed that they’re out of business class seats so she’s getting bumped into first. She didn’t know the distinction between classes and was upset: “What do you mean I can’t fly in business? What’s this “first” stuff about?”
Laughing, the gate agent put her on the plane. She arrived in DC with the biggest smile on her face I ever saw. She said: “I liked it, but they kept bugging me all the time asking if I needed anything.”
I told her that she could have asked for caviar and she cried: “You didn’t tell me that!”
“we have yet to fly economy class together on a longhaul flight”
must be nice…
Capitalism is better than socialism. Socialism means that neither upgrades.
They should take turns with the upgrade. For the red eye, one will get it this time, the other the next time. If there is food, the upgraded person should save some or all of it for the non-upgraded person.
If the flight is very long, like to Australia, then switch seats quietly unless the flight attendant is a nazi.
The snark come out because it’s quite frankly a dumb bitchy question. Prudence Gives great even handed advice. The wife in the other hand seems like a total nightmare. I am going to presume out of pure dislike of the wife that he’s just trying to get away from that vile shallow harpie for a few precious hours so he doesn’t commit murder suicide.
This happens to us every year. Last time it was late night at NY Kennedy, and my wife insisted I take it “because it’s free”. I only take it if she says it’s ok and I ALWAYS offer it to her, but she only takes it if it’s overseas. Good thing I took it in NY as she ended up giving her seat up for a $600 Amex card and a hotel room to boot (her choice to do that, not mine). BTW, she always wants the aisle, so I take a middle seat whenever were together so if my seat is the only one upgraded, at least we still have an aisle.
There is zero doubt in my mind that if I ever ran into this with my wife she would be the one getting the upgrade. I’ve also got zero doubt that if we were in the place this couple is flying regularly and both having status that there would be times that she would tell me that I should have the upgrade this time.
But especially if we were talking business to 3 cabin first I could easily see us bypassing an upgrade to sit together. But Coach/Prem Econemy to J or F? my wife is taking the seat.
I rarely fly just me and my wife since we have two kids so when we fly on vacation we fly as a family. Last time an upgrade happened at the gate in London back to the US. We were all in coach and when we got to the gate in London the agent said she was waiting for me since they needed to upgrade someone from coach to business (Delta One) and I was the number one in the list. I told her I was flying with wife and two kids and we wanted to stick together. She said she understood that but did not have available seats on business class for all of us. When I was ready to say tks but no tks I thought it would be great if my 13 year old could fly on business. I asked if that was OK to give my seat to him and the gate agent said there was no problem. So, I had a the happiest 13 year old flying “alone” in business class while his parents were in the back. FA’s could not have been nicer to him and treated him like a king. Kid was in heaven with lots of food and all movies he wanted to watch without asking permission. 🙂 As for the article above I was once on AA business class and a guy comes from first class and asks the passenger seating next to his fiancee if he would mind flying first class so he could seat next to her in business. Easy choice and the guy moved immediately.
I’ve never asked myself what I would do if my wife turned down an upgrade that I offered her. I just can’t ever imagine her not taking the upgrade. And, of course, I offer it; the way I see it, the only reason that I enjoy the status that I do is that she holds things down at home with our children while I’m flying for work travel.
That said, I’m absolutely certain that my wife would much prefer us to both sit together … up front. Should she ever decide that she’d rather sit with me in economy over an upgraded seat, I’ll know that we’ve been getting too many upgrades! 😉 (And, no, I don’t know what ‘too many upgrades’ actually means.)
Now I do recall once talking to a seatmate in United Economy Plus whose wife was seated in Economy on a transatlantic flight. I considered downgrading and swapping with her so that they could sit together. When he volunteered that he’d already given up too many upgrades for her and no longer prioritizes her comfort on a plane, I quickly decided to retain my seat!
I was traveling with my wife. Her assigned seat was in coach, window seat in the very last row. I was in row 1 (domestic first class). I went to the back of the plane with her and asked the gentleman in the middle seat next to hers, probably a very tired salesman, if he wouldn’t mind trading seats with me. *poof* he was gone in a flash.
Interesting that social jealousy is the norm here. If you can’t answer a question, better be shut up or you’ve risked showing your stupidity. Hahaha… Typical american responses…
Let me ask this question, what about people who are traveling together, but not related. Should someone take an upgrade then?
Depends. You’re getting into the dynamics of the relationship; physical, and psychological, and how that would be affected.
Have fun with this fresh one video included but wish faces were blurred
https://www.reddit.com/r/unitedairlines/comments/1bt31cb/on_our_flight_from_den_to_bna_this_husband_and/
Aren’t men and women equal? Why does one’s sex decide whose turn it is for the last upgrade.
She and her husband are better off paying for domestic first class to avoid situations like this one that will cause her extra unnecessary stress.
So a woman should always get the upgrade merely because she is a woman? Hmmm, such foolishness! How about the person who is bigger, fatter, ( is it still okay to say fatter?) taller gets the upgrade to the bigger seat? Or perhaps the fairest way is to flip a coin. There, problem solved. Have a very pleasant day……. If you want to.
This couple sounds like they’d be a lot of fun at dinner parties.
I’m at peace and tranquillity when I’m away from my wife/partner/close friend for a few hours and even for a day or more!