With Trump circling Greenland like Hitler circled Poland, I imagine a world in which United Airlines establishes a hub from Nuuk.
United Airlines has announced that it will establish a hub from Nuuk, Greenland, as it looks to gear up operations to key destinations in the Russian Empire after the Department of War’s successful military campaign to annex the former Danish territory, adding the vast Arctic island as the 51st US state.
United Airlines CEO Announces Greenland Hub, Praises Trump For US Expansion
Under the direction of the Department of Transportation, the flag carrier of the United States will establish a hub at the Donald Trump International Airport in Nuuk (GOH), formerly known as Nuuk International Airport. United and other state-run enterprises have been granted preferential treatment to set up commerce in the newly-annexed U.S. territory, which will be renamed Trumpland on January 21, 2029, the day constitutional changes pushed through Congress and state legislatures take effect that give Donald Trump the right to remain in office indefinitely.
Speaking to reporters while announcing the news alongside Department of Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy and Henry “Enrique” Tarrio, the recently-appointed head of the U.S. Colonial Office, Kirby beamed over the opportunity, stating, “Comrade Trump has delivered America the greatest geopolitical expansion since the Louisiana Purchase. As the flag carrier of the United States, United Airlines looks forward to establishing direct service from the newest U.S. territory to our allies in the Russian Empire and beyond.”
United already serves Nuuk from its east coast hubs of Washington Dulles (IAD) and Newark (EWR), domestic flights that are shorter than United’s service to the breakaway California Republic.
As part of its expansion, United says:
- Its Nuuk Polaris Lounge will be “a sanctuary of calm in the new North Atlantic order” with a curated selection of local specialities that include:
- Reindeer tartare
- Whale soup
- Suaasat (a seal and barley stew)
- Onboard specialties will include reindeer and muskox, along with a special new mattak appetizer (whale skin)
- MileagePlus members can earn double miles when flying through the new hub through Trump’s next inauguration in January 2029
- Prospectors, settlers, and military families stationed in Greeland can enjoy discounts on oversized baggage and upgrades to EconomyPlus, but only when leaving the Continental USA and only if they both 1.) hold the Chase co-branded United credit card and 2.) are registered members of the National American Workers’ Party, which emerged as the dominant right-leaning party when the Republican Party splintered in 2026
United’s Impressive New Route Map
The U.S. has faced shared sharp sanctions from its former allies since the Greenland invasion, with flight bans across Canada, the United Kingdom, and the European Union (though Hungary has been an exception, with Prime Minister Viktor Orban welcoming United’s direct 787-9 service to Budapest). With the U.S. Dollar having crashed against the Euro, the few U.S. citizens who have been able to obtain visas to Europe have found the costs daunting.
Turning eastward, United has established service to Kyiv (KBP), Minsk (MSQ), Moscow (DME), and St. Petersburg (LED) after the U.S. helped Russian President Vladimir Putin defeat Ukraine. The Russian Imperial Empire, formerly the Russian Federation, has warned that Poland, Finland, and Czechia are the next targets, news that Kirby also welcomed.
“As our allies expand their claims to historic lands, United Airlines will be there to offer air service.”
Meanwhile, Trump has set his eyes upon Canada, Cuba, and Panama, recently telling supporters while dressed in military fatigues at a raucous torch rally, “The glorious expansion of the United States will continue and anyone who stands in the way of our Empire will be crushed like the vermin that they are. Manifest Destiny is our God-given right and the sun will never set on the USA.”
United has a pair of additional widebody aircraft available for its Greenland operations after it suspended service to Taipei (TPE) per the insistence of Mainland China, even though Trump publicly praised China’s violent annexation of the former island nation of Taiwan. With fears that China is torturing members of the underground resistance in broad daylight, the Chinese have closed off the island of Formosa to all foreign traffic.
United’s service to Greenland and the Russian Empire has been possible despite airspace bans imposed by former U.S. NATO allies, thanks to U.S. Air Force fighter jets, which have accompanied United’s jets, both narrowbody and widebody, to key destinations. Thus far, European forces have not shot down an American jet despite the open defiance of the ban.
Even so, Kirby has expressed hope that one day such escorts will not be necessary. “I look forward to the day when the European menace has been properly subjugated to the glorious U.S. Empire. When that day happens, the best airline in the history of aviation stands ready to resume service to London, Paris, Rome, and beyond.”
Yes, this is satire. But would anything surprise you? As for me, I don’t want Greenland…I want affordable healthcare and groceries. Tell your elected leaders that the U.S. has no business claiming Greenland as its own.
image: United
United the “flag carrier” of the U.S.? Missing a hub in the most populated portion of the U.S.: SE and lacks any presence in the nations global gateway: JFK. Smaller to Delta in LAX, NYC, worse premium clubs/general clubs, worse customer service, worst hubs/terminals by far, and worse on-time metrics “A0”. Mind you, they also make way less than Delta. Pretty sure a “flag carrier” in 99% of countries would be profiting the most.
United will never have a new hub. Thats a Delta and semi-AA thing. They’re stuck with what they got and will continue to lack any market dominance in any region: either congested by WN, AA, DL, or combination of all three.
As an American I’m proud of expanding our territory. We are the greatest country to ever exist. We will make more money, fortify our national security interests, and bring new freedoms to the people of Greenland, Canada, and any other country that falls to the USA. In an ideal world we would have a USA global government.
Sieg Heil!
Arthas is the child Tim Dunn and Dave Edwards would have had together…
Matt,
Can you tell from an IP address if Arthas is just a Chinese bot? I get that there are people this crazy in the US these days but this just seems like some bot using chatGPT Tim Dunn reruns to make a delta love kiss alongside some Goebbels-esque nonsense
Mobile, Alabama…
Nice speech, Arthas. Did Stephen “Temu Goebbels” write it for you?
Delusional rants like this are why the rest of the developed world increasingly sees the United States as a joke, and a joke that’s in rather poor taste. You should be worrying about what’s afoot in your own country, as Trump and his Schutzstaffel systematically dismantle the framework that protects those freedoms you hold so dear. So spare us the ultra-nationalist drivel and go check your own back yard, because it’s increasingly littered with piles of steaming turds.
Parroting the beliefs of Putin and Hitler… wow. American imperialism should die a painful death so that its children due not have to bear even more of the costs and consequences of such morally repugnant stupidity.
But I guess some people really believe in American terror
Bravo!
I applaud your courage in posting this.
Too funny! Though you actually got one thing right. When I flew Air Greenland YFB-GOH in 2024, they did in fact serve muskox sandwiches onboard. I believe to this day, that remains the only time I’ve ever eaten muskox.
You want affordable health care? Then cut the salary of your wife, who is a nurse! Already, Biden cut Medicare payments 3% in 2025 and Trump did nothing to stop its implementation.
Affordable heath care has nothing to do with Greenland.
Health care is not affordable because humans are very smart and have increasingly learned how to stop diseases. However, it’s expensive and it costs a lot of manpower, research, and resources.
Along the way, things have happened that increase cost. The expansion of lawyers in America has resulting in fear of lawsuits and increasing cost to combat that fear. For example, instead of watching a condition, a MRI must be ordered to prevent a lawsuit. If there is no MRI and the person skips his or her appointment such that nothing is being watched, someone could be sued for a few million dollars. The Obamacare (ACA) law has a provision that bans any pilot program that results in less money to lawyers. That is a classic pork provision and increases health care costs.
Other countries have abused the U.S. by failing to pay for drug development costs so the burden falls on Americans to pay higher prices. TV ads increase costs because TV ads are expensive and they push expensive drugs that might not be needed or are not first line choices.
Obamacare also increased the bureaucratic costs to doctor’s offices, such as having them declare their addresses to every insurance company every 90 days, resulting in lots of clerical work, which costs money.
Universal health care is not the answer. American universal health care includes Medicaid, which is a disaster. If America cannot manage Medicaid, how can it manage 300M people’s health care. Other countries show that politicians always underfund universal heath care so if there is a single payer, expect it to be underfunded, resulting in bad health care.
Bottom line is that it is a strawman argument to say “no to Greenland because I want health care”. That would be like saying “yes to Greenland because I want cheap hot dogs” or “no to Greenland because I want free checked bags”. Totally unrelated issues.
This post was very long and dumb thank you for sharing your knowledge.
If I am dumb then that is not knowledge
Thank you Winston, are you a cigarette or a British Prime Minister?
If the health care in the US is so great then why do we have a lower life expectancy and higher infant mortality rate at twice the cost of those countries ahead of us?
It’s not 1st April and Criminal Trump is not going to invade a sovereign territory no matter how much the toddler kicks and screams.
He just looks more ridiculous all the time, for example, his letter to the Prime Minister of Norway demonstrates a leve of ignorance for which he should be locked up.
I am disappointed at Matthew’s article. I actually thought for a moment that United was starting a hub in Nuuk. It would be very tough because of essentially no O & D traffic.
LALF has a stellar reputation, but this kind of satire article ruins it, making it on the level as crappy website, Your Mileage May Vary. If satire is desired, a sister website should be created.
Oh grow up. Bunch of snowflakes
Just like every day I wake up, I started to read this,,,and said a few bad words because nothing is too far fetched anymore!
Really I am hoping to find a Napa cabbage that is less than $14.
Satire or dystopian nightmare? My bet is on the later. Heck, the terminator movies are coming true.
Trump is Hitler reincarnated and MAGA is cheering him on. The world dies with thunderous applause. I don’t have many years left, and I’d sure hate to be an American kid left to deal with this nightmare.
When american passports are barred from entering Europe, they should start a hub there. It’ll be a hot vacation spot… along with Venezuela and Saudi Arabia
Tim Dunn will be pissed that Chancellor Trump chose United over Delta as flag carrier but I think we all know Kirby is much thirstier for that boot than Bastian is.
Come on Matt,
We know UA will only offer premium plus to Greenland and beyond to our Russian allies. UA is not wasting a 787 when a 737 will do just fine!
As for groceries, put the blame where it belongs, on Comrade Newsome
Excellent post, but you misspelled “coronation” as “inauguration”
Touché.
This is brilliant. Really. The scary part is that satire is becoming more difficult to discern every day.
73 days too early.
Of course, by April 1, it might be too late.
Hey, everybody, tomorrow is Jeffrey Epstein’s birthday!
Thank you Matthew for writing this, and for having the courage to post it.
I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry.
I’m all for United starting to serve reindeer and muskox. Not sure I’d trust them with mattak though – and how in the world are they gonna serve it on a plane? With a plastic ulu? I’ve never had suaasat as I generally find seal to be too oily for me, but I guess I’d be willing to give it a try.
United also announced that its Premier 1K loyalty level is being renamed Premier K – for Premier Khrushchev, of course. Please note that you can be forcibly purg… uh… retired from Premier Khrushchev status if enough members of the MileagePlus nomenklatura successfully plot against you.
Lol.
Please learn the difference between communism and fascism
Perhaps Scott Kirby & Co know something we don’t…
This was hilarious! Can the US ever have politicians who actually care about improving things for everyday people instead of all this imperialist insanity?
P.S. To any Trump voters reading this: if you voted for him because you thought he opposed war, you were brainwashed.
Excellent post.
Sad times.
But you forgot the part about Trump invading Norway to finally get his Nobel Peace Prize.
Yes, or about the hub in Caracas!
see what a $1 million donation buys you!
the real question is when and how the winter of love in Minnesota comes to an end.
Yeah! Now I will able to fly only UA 737 Max planes between the continental U.S. and Europe…and get to enjoy the new UA Club in NUUK on my layovers.