Dogs, Drunks, And The Birdcage: My Uproarious Flight On United Airlines

I already told you about one service dog on my United Airlines flight from Cabo San Lucas to Denver, but there was so much more that transpired onboard, including a drunk seatmate, another who would not stop talking, and the reincarnation of Starina right out of The Birdcage…all around me. It was one of my favorite flights of the year…

Best. Flight. Ever. A Memorably Funny Flight On United Airlines

My post about the dog eating leftover first class food caused quite a stir, but that was just a side story on this flight. Picture this. I boarded the flight, settled into my seat, and all of a sudden a tall passenger wearing a wide-brimmed hat and a flowing flowery dress stepped onboard clutching a little dog.

This passenger settled into the seat in front of me and very loudly sighed, then cried out in excitement when the little dog uttered a squeal. I had to laugh. It looked like Nathan Lane playing Albert Goldman in the 1996 movie The Birdcage, whose character played Starina, a drag performer at the South Beach night club from which the movie drew its name.

And then I heard the voice. Let’s call him Albert because…not only did he dress like Albert, he spoke like him…and looked like him. If you have not watched The Birdcage, this is what I mean:

(and do note that I am not trying to misgender this person, but taking a respectful page out of the Ru Paul “You can call me he. You can call me she” playbook)

I laughed so hard when the flight attendant came around to take lunch orders and he said, “I wouldn’t even feed that to my dog! I’ll be just fine with a gin and tonic dear!”

Hilarious when you consider the man seated behind me later requested a leftover first class meal for his dog.

A family of four boarded with two young children. The wife sat with the toddler and baby while the husband sat across next to “Albert.” This guy was a piece of work, striking up a conversation with Albert that was initially quite one-sided (it reminded me of the folks at the Thompson Hotel in Hollywood I encountered).

But eventually, he and Albert became buddies and spoke (and proceeded to get a little tipsy together) for the remainder of the flight. Like nonstop. Without pause.

Meanwhile, the poor wife was left to fend for the two kids. At one point she got up and dropped the baby in his lap, but he got up a moment later and dropped him back in her lap.

Meanwhile, my seatmate was drowning this all out with one shot of whiskey after another. He started mimicking the guy in front of us. He then started barking every time we caught a whiff of the smelly dog behind us. I was actually rather indifferent that the dog behind us received a leftover meal, but this guy was up in arms about it, telling me how it was the worst thing in the world between sips of his drink.

He ordered another drink and the flight attendant cut him off. He asked me if I would order a drink for him and I politely declined. He continued to mimic the guy in front of us, since his voice was so loud (Albert’s too) we could hear the conversation.

Oh, and we had a mechanical delay which prolonged our time onboard!

Just another flight from Cabo?

I want to be clear here: I quite enjoyed the flight. I’m not complaining. Seriously, it was perhaps my most enjoyable flight of the year. With all that was going on around me, I did not even need to use the seatback screen in front of me for entertainment. And it was rather hard for me to “mind my own business” when the folks in front of me were conversing so loudly. What a fun flight…it may not have been all that productive, but I’m still laughing about it.

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