The Night Before Christmas: United Airlines Edition

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the air,
The United executives stirred in despair;
The stock had grown on the NYSE with fanfare,
In hopes that great profit soon would be there;
The Chairman was nestled all snug in his bed;
While visions of cutbacks danced in his head;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Sat in the airport lounge pouring over a map,
When out on the tarmac there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the lounge to see what was the matter.
Away to the concourse I ran in a flash,
Tore down the long hall in one great mad dash.
Stopped at a window I peered out below,
Seeing nothing at all but great planes and white snow,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blixen!
To the top of the stairs! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to a jetbridge the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too—
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stairs
A low din of voices that mellowed in despair.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
In walked St. Nicholas with a burdensome frown.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
Yet the frown on his face caused a panic attack.
His eyes—they were red, he seemed to be crying,
His cheeks were like roses, we all felt like dying!
His droll little mouth was drawn down like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
Ignoring the no smoking sign underneath;
Turning to me and the crowd that had formed
He said he had bad news and began to inform.
“United Airlines has shown that it lacks common sense;
The consequences for that are indeed quite immense.
With dramatic cutbacks and award chart inflation;
This airline is now the worst in the nation.
And on this great night I have no choice but to say;
The future for Smisek and Co. appears gray.
But there is one sure way to emerge from this mess;
And spare all your customers much undue stress.
The meaning of Christmas is centered on giving;
Without loving others it isn’t worth living.
When you treat customers bad and then say all is good;
You profane the great airline that once proudly stood.
So here is my charge that I leave you with now;
Start valuing customers like a man loves his frau:
Be gracious and willing to go the extra mile;
Consider requests and return frowns with true smiles;
Cutbacks don’t stimulate profits and growth;
They only ensure that your customers hate both.
Above all else never forget that it matters;
That Jeff and his board put this airline in tatters.
But with a mix of love and a bit of common sense;
The future at United will be much less tense.”
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the jetbridge he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”