Oy.
I’ve had bad seatmates before, but I don’t think I’ve never had one quite so bad as my seatmate on a recent late-evening American Airlines flight to Southern California.
Bloody Mary Karen, The Worst Seatmate I’ve Ever Had In American Airlines First Class
I was traveling from Chicago (ORD) and settled into my window seat for the four-hour flight to the West Coast. I noticed my seatmate smelled of liquor…she began talking almost immediately about how much she hates Chicago and how she was just at an airport bar in which a French tourist was given his 4.86 cents in change all in pennies.
486 pennies, I asked?
“Yeah, the bartender was such a b*tch. She saw he had trouble speaking English and was just nasty even though she was a foreigner too. We all stood up for him and forced the bartender to give him dollar bills instead of pennies, but he still wound up with 86 pennies. We used Google translate to tell him to leave the 86 pennies as a tip for that c*nt. He didn’t understand what tipping was and said they don’t do that in France. Poor guy.”
I could tell this was going to be talker and I really needed to get work done on this flight, but I nodded and said, “That’s really horrible, particularly for a foreign visitor.”
She then went off on a diatribe about how horrible Chicago Airport was and it was the “worst” airport she’s ever been to. I listened politely and then she repeated the story about the French guy at the bar…almost verbatim. I knew then she was drunk.
The flight attendant offered water or sparkling wine for a pre-departure beverage and you can guess what she had…
She then told me the story about the airport bar a third time.
I put on my headphones and turned away from her, but she kept talking. She asked me, “Do you live in Chicago?”
In hindsight, I wish I would have just ignored her, but I struggle with that and explained that LA is home.
She then told me the airport bar story a fourth time…how drunk was this woman?
She started telling me about her work…she was a marriage therapist and did therapy work for Riverside County. She asked if I needed any marriage therapy. No, we’re just doing fine…she mentioned something about how “these people work the system” and “live off you and me with their Section 8 housing, food stamps, and welfare.”
Oh goodness…
I pulled out my phone and began working.
A flight attendant came around to take drink orders and she ordered a double Bloody Mary.
She then told me about her divorce and about her children, then about about her father, who recently passed away.
Flagging down the flight attendant, she asked for another double Bloody Mary. He happily obliged…
She started showing me family photos and telling me all about her daughters and that she loves her daughter “even though she’s a lesbian” but that her own mother is very upset about the whole matter.
This went on and on and even though I pulled out my laptop, opened it, and tried to ignore her, she continued talking (and was talking loudly).
Finally about 90 minutes into the flight she pulled out her phone and began scrolling instagram…with the sound on. Blaring.
The flight attendant did nothing but BRING HER A THIRD BLOODY MARY.
Folks, I could not possibly make this up.
At least she asked for a glass of water with her third cocktail (six shots of vodka while onboard…)
She had AirPods but apparently forgot and so the entire cabin was treated to disturbing noise from her phone.
I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and was able to drown out most of the sound, but then I felt a tap on my shoulder. Although I said I had to work, she then asked about my work and I mentioned a bit about what I do and how I’ve found myself recently in caretaker role.
Big mistake on my part.
She asked me if I needed help.
No, thank you.
She then asked again, saying that she could sit next to my loved one and provide “positive energy.”
No, thank you.
I wasn’t upset until this point, but I soon became upset.
She asked, “Are you a believer?”
Uh-oh.
Yes, as a matter of fact I am, as regular readers know quite well.
She told about her “very special relationship with Jesus Christ” and how she “can speak tongues and heal.”
Uh-oh.
Rather than debate with her about the miracles ending with the apostolic era (I am a cessationist), I just affirmed what a source of hope my faith is.
She told me all about her church, and the husband and wife pastoral team who oversee the “miracles” that are going on there.
I tired to return to my work, but latching on to the fact that I was Christian, she suddenly became aggressive.
“Take me home with you! Let me sit with you! I’ll send healing power into your loved one.”
I just ignored her.
She asked again and again and again and again.
I just ignored her.
The flight attendant came around asking for final drinks before landing.
Folks no kidding, she had a fourth Bloody Mary and the flight attendant happily served it to her.
Unbelievable…
As we descended, she sat silently sipping her drinks, sensing that I was not interested in what she had to offer.
But on final approach, she tried once more.
“Please, take me home with you. Please. Please. Trust me, I can work the power of the Holy Spirt. Please give me a chance. Please take me home.”
I sat stone-faced watching her.
We landed and the moment the seatbelt light went off, she bolted up and ran to the front door of the aircraft.
At that moment, the folks behind me, in front of me, and across the aisle from me all turned and commiserated with me for what had been an absolutely horrible flight. It was very sweet that others were apologizing to me. One man across the aisle joked, “It’s a good thing I switched seats with her.”
CONCLUSION
I’m not exaggerating at all…this flight went down 100% as I presented it. I suppose can complain to AA that its flight attendant could not detect a drunk, but other than using her phone without headphones, she was not boisterous. But what a miserable flight…
A marriage therapist you say?
Exactly!
And I have her name and number since she gave it to me. I see she is a County employee…makes me want to make a phone call, though I find people usually hang themselves and no outside intervention is necessary.
Because she was so drunk, you should have gotten her a hotel room and stay there with her to make sure she didn’t vomit and aspirate!
(just kidding)